Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
