I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
