I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
