i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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