dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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