yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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