Your tits are I can't wait for
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
