And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
