So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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