I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
