Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
