So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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