She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
