Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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