I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
