when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
