When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
