I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
