if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
