i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
