four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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