i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The best revenge is premature balding
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
