You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
