So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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