there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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