haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
