I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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