I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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