oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
