there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
