If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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