I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
