Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
