So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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