My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
