Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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