Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
