I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
