Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
