Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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