Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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