Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
