the condom got lost in my hair
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
