after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
