He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
