I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
