So drunk its hurt
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
