i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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