He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
