around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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