Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
