just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
